Good Sunday evening!!
To be honest I wanted to stow my computer away for the weekend and enjoy my relaxing mini vacation in the hill country with the babes but something touched me this week/really got me thinking and I wanted to share it with you all. Plus I had to keep up with my Sunday night real life real talk blog posts! 😉
Let me preface this by stating two things: One, I have relapsed in recovery before- before I got sober this last time. Two, that my boss follows anything news related- and when I say anything I mean anything… Everything from high stakes politics to paparazzi pop star alerts. So it didn’t shock me when he walked out of his office this week after reading the latest on Demi Lovato’s relapse and asked me what my thoughts were on the situation and if it scared me hearing/knowing someone with that amount of time relapsed.
I had so many thoughts rushing through my mind and a million different things I wanted to say on this topic that I am pretty sure I stuttered when I started to speak because my mind was going faster than I could spit the words out and doubtful that any of it made sense to him. In my head it made total sense, but when you say it out loud sometimes you get some unsure looks and head nods like uh sure that makes total sense when they are thinking in their head what the heck is she even saying.
Some things that came out of my mouth were things like- “I mean of course relapse scares me, but at the same time relapse doesn’t scare me. I always am thinking about my past and replaying those horror stories in my mind to remind myself of what I never want to go through again, but I actually never think about drinking. I can never drink again because I know if I have one drink what will happen, but I will not say I will never drink again because you just do not know. I think rehabs are ineffective because it is escaping you from the real world and doesn’t allow you to experience actually living life on life’s terms sober, I think rehabs are great for individuals to detox under medical supervision and allowing for strict accountability to maintain sobriety at least for the time you are at the treatment facility.” The list could go on, but I am sure you get the point and are totally lost by my countless differencing points of view. The mind of an alcoholic is one that I can’t even understand.
I have spent some time this past week thinking about the questions my boss asked me to see if I could come up with an answer that made more sense then the stuff I spouted out originally. The answer is I can’t. Addiction is scary. Addiction is ugly. Addiction is confusing. All of my above statements make total sense to me, I understand that they may not make sense to everyone. While I have went from drinking rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, germ-x, and perfume to being able to live in a home fully stocked of alcohol and not have a single temptation, I know relapse is always a possibility but I believe myself to have a healthy fear of relapse, some days it doesn’t scare me and some days it does. It just is what it is. We all have some fears, right!? I focus on living one day at a time and try my best to not worry about the past nor stress about the future.
Most importantly I have learned that everyone’s story in recovery is different, there isn’t a right way and there isn’t a wrong way. I write this to say, stay true to yourself and do what works for you. It took me a while (approx. 1 1/2 years into my sobriety) to figure out what truly works for me and what has kept me sober and happy for a little over 3 years. Don’t give up, it can get hard at times but it sure does beat the alternative.
Thanks for following along y’all. I appreciate the support of each and everyone of you while I shed some light on addiction and share my true passions of digitals, decor, and design with you all. If you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to send me a message. Have a great evening and fabulous week.